"People who snore always fall asleep first"

First of all let me say I love my husband. I met Matt in high school in 1972 and our personal story reads something like a romance novel with wild adventures, intrigue, drama, trauma and humor. Most of you know our story and rejoice with us. He knows I love him like no other and look forward in growing old together and someday ending our life on earth like the last scene in the movie "The Notebook".




Unless, of course I kill him first!.....................




You see, up until about 3-4 years ago Matt was a peaceful sleeper. We both were. Going to bed with him was a delightful time of cuddling and 'spooning' with soft whispers and sweet good nights. That was then, this is NOW............. Suddenly without much warning he has turned into a noisy, nervous, shaky, growling mess that has taken over our entire "once upon a time" nighttime bliss.


What happened? I don't friggin know. Age maybe, allergies? aliens? .Maybe the same evil that stole my hormones (see menopause blog) entered Matt and turned him into a night terror. Between his shake, rattle and rolls and my hot flashes and insomnia ,our bedroom has turned into a chamber of horror.


I started noticing that Matt's feet would shake at night. yea, shake, like a strange quiver..It wasn't bad but it was enough to keep me up. We figured it was some strange restless foot thing. It was so odd..Once asleep his feet would start dancing around the bed like Fred Astaire. Of course Matt never knew he was doing this and I would lay awake counting the seconds between the start and the finish. Normally it would be 3 seconds of dance every 20 seconds..yea, I wasn't counting sheep, I was counting foot action.. He tried certain medications, but nothing seemed to work..Eventually we had to buy a new bed, a king size so that he could shake way over on his own side. It made us laugh.. The day we went looking for a bed, we were laughing hysterically because Matt would try a bed out, lay on one end and then make me lay on the opposite side while he made his feet shake..He would say "so honey did you feel that over there?"...the look on the salesman's face was priceless!



Now, 4 years later, the days of laughter are OVER! what started out as a harmless nervous foot tick has turned into a full fledged dancing routine with grunts, groans, snoring, , death rattles, coughing, talking and Lamaze breathing. Yep, one would swear he is giving birth...I can watch him as his feet shaking travels up into his entire body and at times he will move his foot, then followed by a knee turn, then shoulder twist, and gentle head thrust. Maybe he is a frustrated gymnast or worse...ballerina........ That's the nights at the Stevens house.. Problem is, Matt doesn't know it, or didn't know it..He was in denial for quite sometime..You know how we all are " oh no honey I don't snore, I don't shake the bed, I don't talk in my sleep, I'm not demon possessed".........yea whatever! In the middle of one of his zombie death cries I might shove him a bit to make him aware to turn, he wakes for a moment to say" I wasn't sleeping, why did you do that?"...lol..OMG...my comment? "no human being makes those kinds of vile sounds if you're awake". Unless of course you're on crack...Total denial... one night after being kept up for hours I knew I had to get proof..Matt was deep into his active coma and I grabbed the camera and started taking movies..


In the morning I had the delight of showing him his evil twin that takes over his body during his REM sleep..He was shocked! I was of course.........RIGHT! it was like something out of Paranormal Activity..


Ok...so , was that the start of a happy ending? Did Matt's confrontation with ' psycho sleep man' give him the motivation to seek help??....what do YOU think??.......and why do you think that?? come on we ALL know why!! ..say it!!........because it doesn't effect HIM!!!!!!! he's friggin sleeping!!!!! One of the worse things he says to me now is "gee honey I slept like a rock last night" My bloodshot, sagging eyes just glare as they pierce his soul.."hey, how does this rock feel upside your head?"


We did try some simple things at first to help. Since he is so loud we bought a noisy fan to put on my night table to block out his suffering animal calls. We would even take the fan with us on vacation, yep, I packed that sucker right in the suitcase, it was saving our marriage! We put a long pillow between us so that when he starts to dance he wouldn't grab a partner. I tried going to bed before him so I would be asleep before the 'change' but some how the evils of the night would prevail as I'm suddenly awakened by the dancing beast, snarling, moaning, and breathing IN MY FACE! The rattling sounds coming out of his face are surely alien of nature..I poke him with a little EXTRA aggression and he moves to the other side, only to start again...This has become a nightly disaster that has no end. Once Matt closes his eyes and drifts off to lala land, his body goes into full annoying mode. The other night as I was almost asleep he suddenly started talking..yep, now its talking!! as if dancing and snorting isn't enough! I laid there as he said " auh no, oh no..,oh shit"...I had to laugh!! I mean what the?? those should be my words!


Did I say I love my husband?? yes, I do..and because we love each other we might have to take drastic steps and do the unthinkable. Separate rooms! you have to pick your battles in life ya know..Do I sleep in another room or smother my husband with a pillow? its a simple question.


Being sleep deprived and menopausal is a dangerous combination. I wonder how he can feel fully refreshed in the morning from a night of endless movement, breathing horror's, talking, trips to the bathroom, and noises that come out of every orifice of his body..I mean I'm exhausted, and yet he pops out of bed like toast in a toaster.



So, here we are, getting ready to enter the 'empty nest' phase of our married life. The time when the kids are gone, the romance starts up again and you rekindle the honeymoon years..

Oh really?? The only thing I want to rekindle is a decent nights sleep without sleeping with the shrieking eel. Our ideas have been 1) Bunk beds, but their so unattractive and no doubt at this age, someone might break a hip just trying to get down. 2)Separate beds in the same room? Well I wish that would work, but unfortunately no matter how many noise makers one puts in the room with a howling cat, you still hear it! and want to kick it out into the freezing rain so that it stops its ridiculous howling and.......oh, you know I'm talking about the cat right? 3) Powerful sedating drugs...I personally like this one being a child from the 60's but the hangover is a bitch...a half bottle of NyQuil and you won't move for 2 days! 4) The Marriott Hotel, but then I have to come back..5) Open for suggestions..



Of course Matt's solution to this problem and every problem is the same. It is not a sleep study, drugs, changing rooms, changing beds, surgery, psycho therapy or diet...Most men, all men would say the same thing...The answer is sex. Sex will fix it, cure it, heal it, solve it.



Well my sleepy, irritated, sluggish response to that is " darlin ( with a sigh of loving compassion)...you have more action going on for the both us when your asleep , was it good for you?"

Now where's that friggin NyQuil?