"Meno- Madness"!!

This morning I was getting dressed as usual , and as I was in the bathroom using the hot curling iron I almost fainted as my body turned into a red burning piece of coal! YEP! another hot flash! I'm sure if I would have 'gone down' in a blaze of glory, the paramedics would have found me in a pool of sweat with some kind of distorted curling iron branding decorated into my face!

Now this kind of ridiculous life drama has gone on far to long. Living in denial ,I had thought maybe, just maybe I would be a lucky woman and not go through this torture of 'growing old gracefully'..NOT!..My mother seems so surprised that I go through this because in her words "Gosh, I never went through any of this, I never had a hot flash".........I wonder, is that supposed to make me feel better? Thanks mom! I have 2 sister's and we seem to be going through it at the same time. What a trio we make! Since mom loves to rub it in that she is menopauseless (yea, its not a word, big deal, you gonna argue with me?, NOT TODAY!!) I have come to the conclusion that either my sister's and I skipped a generation OR we are all adopted! I think its the latter.Somewhere out there is this childless elderly woman , skin hanging to her knees, sweating profusely, hair in patches, haggard and worn out from lack of sleep , half crazy and searching for estrogen! THAT IS our real mother!

Years ago, 'they' used to call having your period the 'curse'........I have to rethink this. OK so we start to bleed when we're 8 years old, big deal! We have a few cramps that mimic hard labor, whatever, we're tough! We get out of bed each morning for 7 days to discover our sheets now resemble a crime scene, we can handle it. We want to do bodily harm to anyone that comes near us for a few days, piece of cake...Those were the days of youth and beauty and childbirth!! a curse?? ummm....let me tell you about the CURSE!!

One Sunday I went to church as I did for many years and I opened my Bible to read a scripture and suddenly without any warning the words before me were blurry. I went to bed the night before and could see, this morning I need glasses! How does this happen? How do you get into bed seeing 20/20 and wake up not being able to friggin read! This was only the beginning of the transformation into menopause madness!

As time went by and my eyesight got worse I did see a doctor only to be told "this is normal" for my age..Going blind is normal? I used to pride myself of being able see like an eagle and now I squint and distort my face when reading a simple menu that I'm sure people around me must think I have some sort of neurological disorder. I must think by doing this that my eyes will suddenly return to normal BUT normal is forever gone. In the middle of the night, some strange dark and evil maniac came into my bedroom and stole my hormones! yep, the curse!!

Ever since then, life has been one endless battle after another to get them back! This is a battle that I believe I will not win but at least I can go down kicking and screaming. In one year I have gained 25 pounds, have more gray hair then brown, grew skin wings under my arms, and lost sight of my feet.. I haven't eaten a single thing either, I have gained it just looking at food! I live on a few pieces of fruit and yogurt and yet somehow this massive amount of food tipped my scale! After eating I suddenly look down and I cannot see my friggin feet! Where are my feet? My stomach will bloat from eating a cracker .I seriously look at least 7 months pregnant! tying my shoes, or bending over is a frustrating ordeal, as I'm sure my water will break any second! I can't imagine what would happen if I sat and ate a large meal like a bowl of soup! My whole body swells with just the smell of salt. I can't even go near the beach ,I might blow up! One day I fit in my jeans the next I don't, must have been that extra piece of celery I ate the day before! I dye the gray out of my hair at night and the next morning its back! How the hell does this happen? yep, its the Curse!!

Hot flashes! how can one describe a boiling of red hot lava steaming up inside your body that has only one mission...to kill yoooooou!! I'm convinced the evil doer that stole my hormones actually is on a mission to kill and destroy what is left of my once lovely body. What brought me to write about this is the last time I was standing in the bathroom trying to get dressed. I was holding the curling iron in one hand, comb in another and suddenly I could feel it! That rising of blood pressure, the sudden flush of hot death, my skin starting to burn from the inside out, the sensation of pins and needles on your flesh, the lightheadedness, and then there it is! The Hot Flash!! You stand there unable to move for a moment thinking surely this is the end of life! sweat running from pores you didn't even know you had, makeup melting like candle wax down your haggard face, my legs buckle beneath me as I actually feel faint, I quickly throw water on myself to put out the fire . I hunch over the sink, looking in the mirror as my body is literally red all over..I breathe slowly not to hyperventilate and pray that it ends or I die, whatever comes first! After a few minutes, it is gone...Then you are left with the damage repair. My hair matted with water and hairspray, Alice Cooper eyes, and sweat drenched clothes . What used to take a few minutes to dress and get ready for the day now takes hours due to the constant changing of clothes, make overs and clean up. The other day my husband and I were having a nice afternoon driving around in his car. Everything was fine and peaceful UNTIL the hot flash! Like a frantic lunatic I suddenly went from sweet wife to a psycho whack job, moving every vent on myself and thrusting the blowers to 'hurricane speed'! never giving it a thought that my kind husband was having his own heat stroke because there was no air going his way, he nervously asks me as he is gasping for a breath "honey, can I have some air now?...I look at him with red burning eyes of madness "NO"!! I'm sure he felt extreme fear as I know I turned into something resembling the Ghost Rider, yep..... a burning talking skeleton!! very attractive! ummmmmmmmmmm the curse.

I have had some suggest to just start exercising the weight away, walk, swim or jog! "it will make you feel better" they say.. Are you freaking kidding me? I live in Florida and a cool day here is about 80 degree's..I have tried it all from walking to swimming to even getting on a treadmill IN my air conditioned house WITH the fan blowing on me at high speed..Doing any of these things when the hot flash rears its ugly head is comparing it to getting into a sauna in the middle of the desert! AND yes you can have a hot flash while you are in a pool, or shower. During those times my body is very confused on what to do, I supposed its like lava pouring into the ocean, either I'm going to boil to death or turn into a piece of charcoal.
Walking during a hot flash is miserable, no where to go except down and then there's no one around to pick your lifeless body off the 150 degree asphalt. .

I had a friend tell me that a hot flash is actually our body 'searching for estrogen'..Apparently it wants to play hide and seek! When the body cannot find the estrogen it then throws a damn hissy fit and WHAM there is the hot flash! I visualize this hissy fit as our body grabbing a hot poker delightfully say "how do you like that bee- ach?, NOW where's my friggin estrogen?" The evil doer does not play fair because our body is searching for something that no longer exists! If estrogen is searching for something that used to resemble ovaries, you might as well forget it! game over! Raisins are not ovaries, and my uterus? oh, I think that fell out yesterday.

Sleeping is no longer a pleasant event for me..no no, I fear it..I lay out my essentials on the night stand. Water for dehydration, fan for air movement(even though the air temp is set at 60) , misting bottle (once used to mist my plants, now mists me) and a box of Kleenex. I used to sleep in the spoon position, silent, unmovable and calm..Now I move from side to side, wake up suddenly with a hot flash, throw off the covers, mist myself to put out the fire, stumble to put the fan on high but I can't see because of the water I just misted in my eyes, things go flying everywhere, I step on the dog, she growls, I guzzle some water, throw off clothes, then lay there exhausted trying to cool down.....Then I start to chill and shiver, I reach for the Kleenex to wipe off the water, bits of tissue stick to my body, I'm freezing and throw the covers back on and slowly dry and drift off to sleep until SUDDENLY!! yea, you get the picture....

My usual wake up call is a hot flash about 7:30 am. Fine way to greet the morning . I love the fresh feeling of a sweat pool between your breasts, and sheets peeled to your body like sticky fly paper as you climb out of bed in a daze from a night of 'hide and seek' and torture with the evil one! My eyes are swollen half shut , my sinuses clogged, and I can't breathe out of my nose from the fan blowing dust in my face all night. Parts of the bed and pillow are still damp from watering myself all night, I'm picking pieces of kleenex off me, the bed, the dog and the floor. With my body trying to destroying itself , and my husband's snoring I usually get about 2o minutes of blissful sleep, oh I'm being dramatic, ......I get 30 minutes...Then the routine starts all over again..

I honestly feel that someday my body will implode from within and then actually burst from a spontaneous combustion.There I will be, all that is left of me ,a small pile of ash on the bathroom floor! My final hot flash! I have often told my family, "if you happen to see this pile, don't worry, its just me, it was quick...Just sweep me up in the dust pan and say goodbye"..No need for cremation, as my body took care of it on its own!

So as I have re-thought the curse question I cannot honestly agree that keeping and having your hormones is the curse..Losing them IS! it is the start of a slow process into menopausal madness. 'They' say men go through their own menopause? What happens to them? a few wrinkles?" whatever! they look better with a few gray hairs and age on them...Men age well... Oh yes, the lovely 'golden years'...what the hell does that mean? What is graceful and golden about losing your friggin mind at 50 years old! Men get to look like Sean Connery and we look like Maxine... My hormones are gone, and my body wants to destroy itself by becoming an open fire pit! yep, it pretty much sounds like a curse to me!! Check please!!!